Gone Girl

Today we went and seen a movie in the theaters. Todays feature was Gone Girl, which was based on a book. I really liked the movie, since it told a really great story and was interesting. Its about a guy whose wife takes off on him, sets him up to make it look like a suspicious murder, and then she decides to come back under a false pretense. The husband knows she got away with something and then at the end she is pregnant and he takes responsibility saying "I have a responsibility, I don't get to decide (to leave her)"

Amanda and me have been having some serious issues. I have been found to have no emotions, or ability to convey emotions. It is true that I have never been real emotional, always deferring to the polite or not bothering me stance. From here out, I have to be more straightforward and verbal about how things are affecting me. This isn't going to be easy, I have to decide always being polite to my wife or saying so much that she feels that I treat her better than everyone else and she gets to know the me that no one else does.

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#6

It occurred to me yesterday that I was not very loving towards my wife in my previous post. I wanted to take some time to go over all the wonderful things she does and reasons I am in love with her. Amanda is my best friend, she is the person I get to talk to everything about. She is a great and enthusiastic cook, always looking for new recipes for our family to try. She has great compassion for the animal world, she doesn't like seeing anything mistreated. She has taken on such a tremendous job in being a stay at home mother to Sophia and a stay at home wife to me. She does things to "be the wife I deserve." She loves keeping the house clean for me and Sophia. She has created a beautiful yard and patio area for our home property. She takes time to talk with me about the farming and how things are going over there. She wants me to work on what I spent my college time achieving, being a teacher. She tolerates my OSU fandom. She goes to church with me and has an interest in my religion. She worries about our finances and tries to plan to save and spend appropriately. All this and more are reasons that I love my wife.

All of these are good reasons to love my wife, but the best reason I love my wife is because I took vows to do so. I made a commitment to stay with her and cherish her and that is what I intend to do.

Yesterday she wore around a shirt that had the number 6 on the back.

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Respect

A couple of days ago Amanda confided in me that she doesn't respect me in a way that allows her to fully love me that way she did before we were married. She respects that I can provide for our family, she respects that I work hard enough to be financially secure. She doesn't respect that I don't get angry and stick up for my family in every conversation that I have. 

I took my vows for better or for worse. I didn't set out or believe they should be conditional. I was going to give my wife the best that I could and what she deserved, no matter her treatment of me. Amanda doesn't treat me this way, and honestly I can't blame her. It is her own right to look at what her husband is accomplishing and decide that needs to distance herself. Amanda gets to decide how she wants to live her life and treat those people around her. The people who make a commitment to her. 

She has listened to what goes on in my life and decided that I don't treat her with the accord that a wife deserves. Much if not all of this is how my family goes about treating her. She has said if not pleaded before that she doesn't care what others think of her as long as her husband thinks well of her. I am always going to be the best I can be to her. However she spends much of her time and energy worrying about others, much more than I ever thought or believed to be true. So much so that the way I allow other people to interact with me makes her feel terrible. 

In my mind it only matters what I say to my wife that should go into our decision making as a couple. Not what I let others say. What others say isn't part how we make our decisions. What others do in regards to me and my wife doesn't matter unless we validate it. If I or Amanda ignore something it should mean to someone else that we aren't regarding their opinion. 

This all really seems to accumulate seasonally as the farming season goes on. On more than one occasion I was willing to give all this up and move away from all the farming and be a teacher. Amanda had me read an article once about a family that choose their dad over being more financially secure. Whenever I have to be away for busy farming times, it feels like I am choosing something other than my family. It doesn't matter that I am doing the things that allow us to live the lifestyle we have settled into. We have had opportunity to consider moving south to take a teaching jobs, but we decided that pursuing that was not a good idea. So now we wait for a job nearby and work in the agriculture industry. 

This probably all seems like a rambling mess and I can't argue it is not. However it is now 7 am and I have to start the responsibilities of my wife and child. 

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Coward

Things are terrible now. I'm not the kind of leader or person to call names and be unpleasant to others. Amanda, on the other hand is. It's not without reason as my behavior is what is causing it.

Im not the leader she needs me to be. Amanda has made no secret that she wants me to be a leader and what she expects from her leader of a husband. I act in a way that is cowardly, in a way that excludes me from taking the action she needs. She needs me to confront her and talk her ear off about everything and anything. Now that I have waited as long as I have to make an effort to talk to her, she is even more upset about us. When I try to talk to her, she has other ideas for me. When I don't talk to her, she thinks less of me.

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Wrong

I have been told on several occasions by my wife that I act as if nothing is wrong when something is wrong. I don't act this way when I decide something is wrong. I act this way when Amanda tells me something is wrong and decides she isn't talking about it for a while. I know that I can't force her to do something until she is ready to do it. I'm not the kind of person to force myself on another person and she isn't the type of person to let someone force something on her anymore. I need to exercise patience until she is willing to address any of the smallest details with me. I am currently unable to force a conversation, no matter how important, to the other person until I have the smallest idea the conversation can be two ways. 

This is part of my leadership issue that Amanda needs me to overcome. I have to be able to confront items and discuss them in a timely manner. I have to talk about other issues in an effective way with her. I have acted as a dictator in some instances. Our marriage is not good when either of us acts inappropriately. 

I am sorry for things I have done. Once I realize how they affect Amanda I am sorry. Usually the moment I realize how upset she is is right after she says she's not talking about it anymore. Sometime afterwards she tells me that being sorry doesn't cut it and I believe her and let her give me the silent treatment while I wait out the moment she seems willing to talk things over more. 

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Selfish

I have been accused of being selfish, which means that I am selfish in all my decisions. For starting purposes, I want to define selfish per the merriam webster definition.

-having or showing concern for only yourself and not for the needs or feeling of other people.

The tipping point for all this was the decision to go and work for my relative building pole barns for some amount of time. Ideally I was going to work for a couple of weeks, save enough money for our building we have been planning for a year, and then be done. I know we talked about it because I remember two things specifically. First, I remember Amanda saying she didn't want me up on top of the building where I could fall off. Second, I remember Amanda saying that I should not fast on Ash wednesday this year because it would not be ideal.

Nonetheless, I omitted the duration of the work and it would seem the hours I was going to be away also. I needed to spend more time talking to Amanda about the idea and making sure she knew all the details that I knew. I didn't. Now Amanda has set upon the idea that I was not being a leader and being a dictator. A dictator who selfishly decided on my own what to do, regardless of how it affected the rest of my household. I knew that I talked to her about it some, in her mind it wasn't enough because after the fourth day of getting home late, she lost it at dinner. Lost it in the I'm not talking to you anymore lost it. I deserved it, I didn't talk to her enough about the whole situation before I left the first morning.

In my mind, I trust her with everything she comes to me with. I say yes because I trust that she only does what is best for our family. I am not afforded the same trust from her for many reasons. I thought I had a level of understanding that she could trust me to do things that are good for us when I leave the house. I have now learned that I need to talk to her in as much detail as I can. I have to do this to afford her even the smallest amount of reassurance that she knows what is going on.

So back to my starting point, Am I selfish? I think that I am generous towards my wife and daughter. In this instance have I only acted in concern for myself? Did I not consider the needs and feeling of other people. It doesn't matter what I think, it only matter what my wife perceives. One day my daughter will perceive these types of things also. I have to be mindful and clear with what I set out to do. The best thing I can do now is accept responsibility and apologize. I don't want either of us to continue on the same behavior that we are acting out now. We should be better than that to each other.

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The most important thing

One of the clearest things in my mind from my early relationship with my wife was that being financially secure was the most important thing to her. Since then many other things have been said to be very important if not the most important also. The financial security one is the one that sticks in my mind the most. Yes, after my wife's birthday I learned feeling important by having a presence is very important to her. I learned that we need a day for ourselves, sundays, to spend together as a family and husband and wife. Nonetheless, it has always stuck in my mind that financial security is the most important. 

I took on another part time job that is full time hours until I reach a quota that I feel comfortable with. We have committed to a building that I don't have a real idea what the cost is. Yes, some of the materials and most of the labor is going to be free or cheap. Some cost is going to come up and I can't let that cost put us in a bad situation financially. We just spent 25k getting our tax bill clear. I can look at our account statements and feel that we should have what we need for our monthly bills and living expenses. Should is critical as nothing is certain in our future. Last year we got down to our last 300 dollars before any crop money started coming in. This year we have a better plan, but cant be sure of anything until october comes around. 

I know that talking about finances is always hard with Amanda. The slightest mention or talk about money freezes her up. She has left the house for hours at a time when she thought we had money issues. I can reassure her all that I can, but she will always have a fear in the back of her mind. 

It was really nice that I was able to spend nearly the whole last two months at home with Amanda. However my work is coming back to being necessary and with it some days that require long hours. I don't like those long hours and days very much, but it is the life we have chosen. We will always have our sundays and some periods that are quite a lull. Some times are busy, some are not. Its going to be that way until I get to make the decisions and efforts regarding our farms planting and harvest seasons. My parents are willing to put up with that relationship, but we are different in my marriage. 

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Mark

I have now read the second of the Four Apostles books, the Book of Mark. I enjoyed this book much the same way I enjoyed the Book of Matthew. Reading all the things that happened in the short account of Jesus's life is great. I wish I could say more about how I felt when reading the Book, but my thoughts are pretty basic.

I would also like to say that I really enjoy reading another blog now. MW has a blog where he defends all the things that a real man should in such a simple easy way. It makes me wonder why I am not able to articulate subjects the way he does. I probably check his blog once a day and I love and agree with just about everything he writes.

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Matthew

I have now read the first book of the New Testament, Matthew. I really enjoyed this as some of the parables I knew or had heard before, and some of them I got to read for first time. Seeing things in print really helps me slow down and take some time to comprehend the message. I really liked how this book reminded me of all the parts of the passion play I did when I was in high school for our CYO. I remembered how much I struggled with learning some of the lines. I realized that if I had read the Bible more before that point the lines would be easier for me to have the context of. It was most interesting to read all the parables and read what Jesus was saying to his disciples. Jesus was able to speak so clearly and with authority, He made everything seem simple. Even when Jesus talking in parables that had sub meanings and lack of a bit of context for the society we have now, Jesus spoke clearly. I am glad I was able to read this book.

In other news, tax appointments have come and gone. I don't know if I'm more disgusted at how much money we actually made or how much we now owe the government. Either way, this provides motivation as to what we should be doing with our income and how to plan ahead. We knew in early december about how much we would owe, took some time to go over what we had and were ready for the news we expected at the tax office. Lessons have been learned and should be applied moving forward.

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Cowardice

On some occasions I lean towards cowardice. Generally when I have to deal or negotiate with something regarding work or farm activities, I can get sheepish. Im not proud of it, but I manage to appear bad. While I don't really have a job that I can necessarily get fired from, I don't want to avoid work activities more than I do. This behavior is really terrible in my marriage as it compromises our goals and ideals in our relationship. Needless to say Amanda is not happy when these types of things happen.

I now have a new phone that I am getting used to and so forth. Some features are better than what I had on the iPhone, but some features are quite different than I know. I'm trying to be pretty cautious with it now as all my pockets from my work clothes have debris in them. I also don't have a hard shell case to protect the phone from any other incidental phone issues.

We need to start working on interacting more with the rest of my family and friends. Sophia has shown to be exceptional now with other folks around. As such we don't have as much to worry about when entertaining or being entertained. We have gotten the ball rolling on going out with my parents and I need to figure out a way to get my brother involved at the house every once in a while. I've asked before about having him over to have dinner with us, but things come up and either it doesn't always work out for us or he already has plans. My one sister has a baby on the way so getting social with them may be a bit of a challenge. I know that we can be doing more to make ourselves accessible. Such will be just putting our minds to it and doing so.

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NFMS 14

Yesterday we went to the national farm machinery show in Louisville Ky. I had been several times in recent years, but this was Amandas and Sophias first visit. Amanda was a bit surprised when she finally realized how big a show it actually was. The farm science review we go to in the fall makes a bit of a comparison, but this event is about twice as big. It felt to me that we did much more walking than we have done at the FSR show. We didn't really go with an agenda, or to see anything particular. The fun in these types of events is just walking around and seeing the different types of products and ideas that are out there.

Sophia did real well most of the time. She did get excited about walking around when we let her down and move a little bit. Amanda found some type of baby carrier that straps up to your back and Sophia kind of just sits down in there and hangs out. She did really well, we are impressed more and more every time we take her out in public and she gets to act. She has yet to set off crying, she has yet to run off in some manner and she has yet be any real issue in public or on a visit. The same can not be said for my relatives two kids. Him and his wife made it about an hour and a half with their two children before calling it a day around noon. They attempted to make a go of it with a pull wagon and it wasn't successful with the crowd of the show.

Today is also Valentines day. I have a couple things planned that Amanda is going to like.

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Gunner

We have a dog that seems to consistently tangle himself up on the cable tie when we let him out. He does it more than the others. Last night he did it and I had to wonder how it compares to my situation. He simply had gone around the pole once and was standing staring at the door waiting for something to change. Eventually he went around the other way and got himself lose and was free to come back in. Just like me, a simple solution was right in front of him, he just couldn't do what needed to happen to solve the quandary.

We finally got it worked out the big issue that I couldn't see around, for practically the whole marriage. I'm too one dimensional. I'm not treating my wife the way a loving caring husband should. I'm not acting as if I have a valued possession that is to be put on a pedestal. She deserves more than what I have done. I have to be working and valuing her in a way that I haven't done in the past. I need to have a different personality when I am afforded the chance to talk with my wife.

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Issues

Amanda made a list of issues for us to talk about the other day. We made it about an half hour or more before she didn't like what was going on and things really went downhill. Essentially it came down to us doing more to better be connected in our marriage. I ended up getting some of my thoughts out and it all sounded like a big mess, she was dumbfounded. Dumbfounded by what I was saying and how I was saying it. I was sounding particularly dumb. When I have to think quickly in a novel situation, I don't do well. I am more equipped to get my thoughts out in this format or after some time to reflect on my own. That is why I try to blog more lately, Amanda has always complimented me on my writing and what I get out on this blog.

I ended up saying somethings that I shouldn't have said and we are currently stuck in another reactive anger cycle. I am struggling to find the time and place to bring things up. She is stonewalling me and staying upstairs away from me. Things would be better for us if I was doing some of the things on her issues list. Most if not all of our communicating is  happening electronically. I certainly don't prefer this but it seems to be the only open venue for communication at the moment.

As far as the issues, the second thing after the connection effort is me being a leader. I do things that stick out in my mind as leadership, but Amanda needs more. She needs me to talk about the projects and things that need done in the house. She needs me to confront our issues nearly right away. Amanda has been doing things that stick out as leadership to her and doesn't want that role in this marriage. I need to find the confidence that when I take those steps as a leader, they will be received. Amanda acknowledged that there will be some power struggle as this dynamic part of our relationship furthers.

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Connecting

Amanda and me had a discussion yesterday about connecting, mostly how we need to commit more energy to doing so. I didn't come out looking very good, as Amanda was largely frustrated by the climax of our sit down. I want to be able to connect with Amanda in the way she desires, the way we were able to when we first had each others ears and eyes. When we were eager to hear about what the other had to say and there wasn't any distraction otherwise to occupy us. When we had to spend time away in our separate lives doing what we did back then. Marriage and the decisions we have made now have changed those early conditions. I don't think things are for the worse, but we aren't behaving in the same manner as we did in 2010. It needs to change, and I am the one that has to be the one to lead the connection.

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Phoning

The time is now approaching wherein I get to pick and new phone and contract. In terms of hight end phones, I am choosing between the iPhone 5s and and sg4. The choice will come down to which phone I can get for a better deal. Both phones are going to offer nearly the same features, in terms of email and web browsing.

I am not sure if I am going to be using my new phone in all the same ways that I use my current iPhone. Mainly, I won't download a facebook app right away. Some things serve as a distraction from what I should spend my day doing and fb can certainly can be one of those things. I've done without fb before, most noticeably when I had first met Amanda. The only real justification I have for a smartphone anyways is to be able to check farm market prices and keep ahead of emails that come my way.

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TV

It has occurred to me that we need to do something different with out TV viewing. Initially we set out to only let Sophia watch cartoons at times we thought appropriate. We had the TV on the rest of the time for ourselves. With Sophias mature age of 19 months and counting, she is now more aggressive about pouting and being upset. Yesterday Amanda and I attempted to watch one of our favorite shows while Sophia was in her charging around time after her afternoon nap. Sophia wasn't interested in the show, but we were so we tried to pay some attention to the TV. This didn't go to well. At one point I thought maybe she hadn't had any sort of snack from her nap and asked Sophia if she wanted a snack. This didn't go over well with Amanda as she pointed out to me that we don't want Sophia to learn to soothe herself with food.

At any rate we need to change our TV viewing schedule. If Sophia sees everything we do, she is going to see and has seen that we spend much of our time looking at the TV screen. Because it is always on. I think we ought to start having the TV off after she wakes up from her naps, only turning the TV back on for news during dinner time. This way Sophia sees that the TV isn't always at someones viewing discretion and it would give her time to focus on her things we have set out for her. Sophia is learning all kinds of things lately and the more time we put into advancing the better.

I haven't talked to Amanda about this yet as I came up with the idea last night laying in bed. Maybe this idea won't go so well, she can always to defer to maternal instinct and say the TV should be on. I also won't be able to enforce this idea either, since I am gone most of the time doing farming things. I don't really intently watch TV much when I am home either. If I get up in the morning I might watch ESPN for a little while, and I might watch the buckeyes basketball in the evenings, but that is about it. Some things I may DVR for later, but I find that I don't have the time I really need to watch those. I should be reading more anyways and modeling behavior that I want Sophia to learn when I am home.

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