My family

After being out for any part of the day, I love being home and spending time with my two ladies. Most days I get home and try to do as much with Sophia as I can. Amanda has said before that some days she needs me to come home and give her that break or relief from a baby's day. Usually this comes at a cost of some of the things that I should be doing from my honey-do list. I don't want to come home and immediately spend most of my time outside working on other things. Or inside doing things that a baby shouldn't be around. With a concentrated effort I was able to get several things done last week, but there is always more to be done in an older farm house. Amanda likes when I can get those fixes done, but I like to be able to catch up and spend as much time as possible with my wife and daughter just being and interacting without anything else to accomplish.

Amanda and me got to sit down on the couch alone last night and watch a whole movie, uninterupted. It would have been much nicer if the movie version of the host was any amount as good as the book version, but we got to sit down and do something we used to do. It was very nice.

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Two years

Its been two years since I said I do to my lovely wife. Things haven't always been smooth sailing, but any thing worth having is worth the effort that comes with it. I hope saying do is the best decision I ever make in my life. It has been so far.

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Being regular

I need to commit to blogging more. I used to blog everyday and at some point Amanda confessed to me that she loved how I write and use my words. She liked reading my blog, I think, because I was better able to from my thoughts and real opinions here than when speaking to her. She has asked me in the past why I don't blog as much. I told her that it was because I had her to talk to now, as compared to the lonely go at it on my own version. Now I can see that this is also a healthy way to express my thoughts and what is going on around me. I certainly can talk to my wife about all that I want, but I enjoy this medium also.

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4 ways

From my recent decision to read more I found a better clarification of what love is and should be. Here are the ways that I have awe, admiration, respect, and appreciation for Amanda, each with the three phases of our lives so far. 

AWE

pre engagement- how much in control she was of what she knew about herself

married-how wonderful a woman I had found and committed to

post baby-how much she cares for and works for our baby. 

ADMIRATION

pre engagement-how much you had accomplished on your own

married-how committed you were to me and our marriage

post baby-how inspiring and willing you are to find new ideas and keep with other new moms

RESPECT

pre engagement-she had made a difficult decision in her life about who she was with and what she wanted

married-she knew what she wanted out of our marriage and we went and still go for it

post baby-how much importance and well thought out plans she has came up with for our daughter

APPRECIATION

pre engagement- that she was so happy to have meet me and get me out of my lonely man routine

married-all the things she wanted us to do in our marriage

post baby-how hard she has worked and continues to work for our baby, putting herself second by still breastfeeding. 

I hope that none of these sound similar or have overlap. The venn diagram of my thoughts here would certainly not be four separate circles. I also read from this author that love can be a decision you make with all the feeling coming later. I always knew that did and could and would love my wife. I'm happy that I found someone so easy and willing to let me love them. 

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Boasting

I remember once boasting on my blog that I could not fail here because of my family. I thought that I would always have a financial security blanket as long as I was here. I thought that the most important thing to Amanda was being financially secure. One of the most important things as it turns out, not the most important thing. As it turns out, I can be financially secure here, and very poor in other areas. I don't have to learn to be a hard worker and someone who strives to do something for others. Doing work that is not easy is not the same as making the effort to be considered a hard worker. I can be lazy while doing work that others would never dream of doing. Being here is costing me my relationship. Its way to easy to set back and blame what my bosses want to do on my inability to keep my word. Amanda says I can keep my word if I really wanted to. Leaving my work in the middle of the day for an unknown amount of time is a possibility.

When I get another job and move from here things will be different. I can lose my job. I have to do the work to impress my bosses. I have to keep a schedule and promises I make for my family. I have to budget and watch what I spend. I have to do many things differently from what I get away with as a self employed farmer/part time mail carrier.

My boast was harmless at the time, but now I realize how silly it was to boast about one thing that wasn't nearly as important as all the other things I didn't have. Amanda keeps saying that I would be perfectly happy in a place by myself. I look back at the things I was doing when I was going at it alone and that I wasn't really happy. My laptop wasn't a good replacement for a person. I could talk to people using my laptop, which was a way of building and making relationships. All the sites, innocent or not, were not a replacement for having a connection with a real person. The alcohol, video games, and sports were just distractions to what I should really be doing. There are several things I just described on that list that I don't do now. Some were recently quit, some have happened over the course of my marriage. I can't be doing things that make my wife feel I don't care about what she does.

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Shoveling Snow

Last night I was reading and the author brought up something that I am doing to some extent. The author said that when men feel they are in a bad spot with their wives, they shovel snow. This means they fix or do things to make their wives day easier. I can think of several things around the house that I have done the past few days, and I can think of several things that I try to do to help Amanda with the daily routine of life. She likely notices them and does like that I do what I do. However, when something gets put off she has a real issue. She feels that when I put something off or delay something in some manner it reflects my attitude towards her. I wasn't able to capitalize on that info when she had conveyed that to me in the past. I never think poorly of her, I would simply forget most of the time. Or I would think it more important to be doing something else. The biggest change I decided to make was several months ago. I would wake up early to pay bills, feed the dogs and cats, and try to do other things around the house that I could. This worked out well because I could have things done before she woke up and have some time on my own to pursue some of my interests. Then at seven or so, I would go upstairs and wake Sophie up and get her changed and ready for the morning. It worked out well except that I wasn't doing enough of the household maintenance. Some mornings I would decide that I was just going to goof off on the computer until seven. This did mean that I was looking at possible jobs, most of the time was spent doing things that didn't matter.

The internet things that didn't matter have really hurt my relationship. Some time ago I came to a conclusion about porn and haven't been back to that activity. We installed the covenant eyes software and after an initial hiccup from a message board, things have been good. Recently I decided that I didn't need all those other sites either and cut those out up to 99%. The 1% might be when I am on my laptop and decide to browse more. I only have the reds page and helpful marriage/parenting things bookmarked on my phone now. For a little while I was still going to a pickup truck forum, but I was beginning to have some doubts about that. I realized that I was treating my truck like the guy and his boat in the movie Fireproof. So I am not going to that forum again until it is time to attempt to sell my truck. I knew that if I got out of farming we wouldn't need such a big truck, but I was always able to say or think we should have it in the case we get into the horsing business for Sophie. The truck issue really came to a head when Amanda realized that I was spending time on their instead of attempting to resolve what was happening with our relationship. Its one of the small things I am doing to show that I care about more than myself.

I told Amanda that I know what I can change and know what I can make an to do. I can tell her things all day long, but it comes down to what I physically do to show her that I can and am different than what she has seen in the past. In her eyes I haven't followed my vows to her to a T. I know what I have done in the past and what I would like to do in the future.

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Husband Revolution

I have come to understand I have my failings as a husband and a person. I don't care enough to stop someone from doing what they want to do. I let things happen because in my mind I shouldn't be stopping people from doing what they set out to do. From Amandas point of view, which is very likely correct, I don't care what happens to the person I took vows to. I am so egocentric that my wife and childs presence or absence has little influence on my state of mind. For whatever reason I have learned to let myself be independent of other people. I don't know if something happened when I was young, or if I was always going to be this way. 

Regardless, I can't be that way anymore. I do care for my wife and child, our marriage and the family we have started. I don't show it in the way that Amanda thinks is appropriate, but I do realize how important they are and the conscious decisions we made to get to this point. I have made several small changes to my life already, some happened before we reached this tipping point. I know that I can do more, and more bigger changes. I am going to have to get professional help, but I can do the things that need to be done for my wife and child. 

I have been following on FB a website called husband revolution. I would read the things they posted before and not give them much thought. As of lately, I have been going to their main page and reading the articles they have been posting. I find that most of what they talk about I wasn't doing in the past. It shows me more of what I can be doing as a husband. They also post little thoughts and such on the FB feed, like everything else. I can read and see all that I want, but I have to make the conscious change to better my relationships. I also have been taking the time to listen to the Dr. Laura show, which I always enjoyed doing. I don't think she is more important now, I just have been near my radio during her time frame the past couple of days. Amanda likes or fashions some of her behaviors after what Dr. Laura writes and says. I do or at least keep in mind some of her ideals also now. 

Amanda has gotten so frustrated with me that I think she has resorted to becoming what may be a stepford wive until she sees a better option for her and Sophie. She feels she has nowhere to go and nothing behind her because of the choices we made in our marriage. She doesn't have a car in her name anymore because we traded it in and put the escape in my name. She doesn't have a job anymore because we decided that she should be home to raise our child. She can't go to her parents because she and her sister hate each other. She can't go to her sister-in-laws because she hates her brother too much. She hates me now also, but is here still. 

I know that I can do what I need to do for my wife and marriage. I know how I feel inside and need to be able to show it and act upon it. I'm not happy knowing that I am causing someone I took vows to so much pain and anguish. 

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