psychopath

I once heard psychopath defined somewhere and wondered if it applied to me. The word was defined as someone who can do what they want without the concern for others.  In some ways this does apply to me. Other peoples thoughts and actions are independent of what I need for me to be happy. Amanda called me out on this yesterday and I had to be honest. I know that I can be happy and I know that I can love. I can't bring myself to have many other emotions though. I didn't cry when my brother died. I don't worry if other people will be upset. I try to live my life looking at the positive and not worrying about the negative. Like I talked to Amanda abou the other day, I don't make someone mad, they make them mad. Their expectations are what cause them to get emotional. Amanda spent part of the day yesterday telling me all the things she now wants and what I've done wrong. All I could do was sit in silence, like a crazy stalker.

Amanda told me yesterday that she was done. This came as a result of at least one deficiency I have, me being a mommas boy according to her definition. Her previous husband was another mommas boy, and I thought I was staying clear of his behavior. For me it has come down to not defending my wife and our marriage. Since last november there has been a conflict with my mom. I have been unable to resolve it. Worse than being unable to resolve it, I let my mom act towards me and my wife in an unbecoming way. She is not on a constant slander against us, but says things that shouldn't be said. My inability resolve all this has turned me into an un-trustable liar in the eyes of my wife.

In the past we had talked about moving when things got bad. When I confessed I was looking at porn, we talked about it. Before we left for our Florida vacation, we talked about it. On the way home from Florida, we talked more about it. She always seemed to calm down about the reason for wanting to move after some time, but I was looking for work. In previous occasions, we always had the context of me getting a teaching job. A career in education takes some time, especially when you need licenses for other states and more professional testing. Just this past week we talked about getting work as a full time post office employee, which I was all for. If we had talked about this earlier, it might have happened sooner. So now I need to update my lazily filled out USPS profile and see where I can go with that.

As far as Amanda being done, I don't want her to be done. I'm happy being married and getting to be a father to my daughter. A change of scenery will put some distance between our problems, but that is dependent on us staying together. If she thinks us being apart in some capacity is what will make her happy, then thats what will happen. Whatever she decides, I will go with. Her happiness is more important than my happiness. I can be sad if my disposition makes someone else feel better. Whatever being done results in, I know that I can't stay here. I don't want to be a debt ridden farmer because I have to take out hundreds of thousands of dollars in loans to buy land. I don't want to promise or pay high rent fees for ground so I can try to make some money. I want to have a salaried job with benefits and a consistent schedule.

times typed "oftern"-0