Selfish

I have been accused of being selfish, which means that I am selfish in all my decisions. For starting purposes, I want to define selfish per the merriam webster definition.

-having or showing concern for only yourself and not for the needs or feeling of other people.

The tipping point for all this was the decision to go and work for my relative building pole barns for some amount of time. Ideally I was going to work for a couple of weeks, save enough money for our building we have been planning for a year, and then be done. I know we talked about it because I remember two things specifically. First, I remember Amanda saying she didn't want me up on top of the building where I could fall off. Second, I remember Amanda saying that I should not fast on Ash wednesday this year because it would not be ideal.

Nonetheless, I omitted the duration of the work and it would seem the hours I was going to be away also. I needed to spend more time talking to Amanda about the idea and making sure she knew all the details that I knew. I didn't. Now Amanda has set upon the idea that I was not being a leader and being a dictator. A dictator who selfishly decided on my own what to do, regardless of how it affected the rest of my household. I knew that I talked to her about it some, in her mind it wasn't enough because after the fourth day of getting home late, she lost it at dinner. Lost it in the I'm not talking to you anymore lost it. I deserved it, I didn't talk to her enough about the whole situation before I left the first morning.

In my mind, I trust her with everything she comes to me with. I say yes because I trust that she only does what is best for our family. I am not afforded the same trust from her for many reasons. I thought I had a level of understanding that she could trust me to do things that are good for us when I leave the house. I have now learned that I need to talk to her in as much detail as I can. I have to do this to afford her even the smallest amount of reassurance that she knows what is going on.

So back to my starting point, Am I selfish? I think that I am generous towards my wife and daughter. In this instance have I only acted in concern for myself? Did I not consider the needs and feeling of other people. It doesn't matter what I think, it only matter what my wife perceives. One day my daughter will perceive these types of things also. I have to be mindful and clear with what I set out to do. The best thing I can do now is accept responsibility and apologize. I don't want either of us to continue on the same behavior that we are acting out now. We should be better than that to each other.

times typed "oftern"-0