Zephaniah, Haggai, Zechariah, Malachi

I have now finished reading all of the Old Testament for the first time in my life. It was as I have heard before, not lacking in violence and anger. Still, there was much to learn from reading and being part of any part of the Bible. The lesson or biggest thing I have taken from the Old Testament is that God wants us to follow his laws and be mindful of what happens because of him. 

I won't be jumping into the New Testament right away. I have some other spiritual or marriage related reading I want to accomplish before I delve into the offerings of the New Testament. 

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Nahum, Habakkuk

I found the dialogue in Habakkuk interesting. Most of the books of the Old Testament have been retellings. Habakkuk was different in that the author appeared to be having a dialogue or conversation with God and getting an answer back. Many things are described as to how God will mediate an issue presented and things end well. Nahum was good also as it described the fall of a powerful city and such.

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Micah

Micah is a book about Gods impending wrath. Much of what I have read about before is being said here again. God has been very specific about what He expects from his people and expects a commitment. It is good to be reading all this, it reminds me of the things I should be doing in terms of my faith and actions. Even with all the action being promised, God always has his prophets say they can be redeemed and find salvation still.

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Obadiah, Jonah

These two rather short books have now been read. It was nice to read the famous story of Jonah and the whale myself and take in what happened. Now that I am older I can understand the story much better than when I was younger and the story was told to me.

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Amos

Amos was a good read. God is describing all the things He intends to do to those who aren't living a Godly life as should be. All those who have abandoned and forgotten the ways of their religion. God was willing to start over with his people after wiping out those He had chosen. I liked reading this book.

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Joel

I have now read the Joel book of the Bible. Much of the chapter was referring to some type of locust issue and using that as an allegory for what will happen during Gods wrath. I am finding that much of the text I am reading covers the same issues, it is good to be reading what I am reading.

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Hosea

I have now read the Hosea book of the Bible. There was a fair amount of talk about being adulterous and prostituting of Israel. I really hope that I can and do love and serve God and my wife the way that I need to, the way that the Bible asks us to.

Thanksgiving was yesterday and things went really well. Amanda's parents came over and we had a big meal prepared and had some good company. We have two more events to go through, both of which are making Amanda somewhat anxious. Not without reason, but anxious.

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Daniel

I just finished reading the Book of Daniel. I really liked the person Daniel was and the things he was entrusted to do. Not many people gain the confidence of kings and God the way Daniel did. The visions or dreams were a bit abstract as is the pattern in the Bible, but with time I will better be able to understand some of the meanings.

I am finding that I usually have to remind myself to focus on reading the words on the pages. I can let my mind wander onto other things in my day and life. Its better to focus on just reading the Bible when I have set down to do so.

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Ezekiel

I finally got back to my Bible reading goal and finished another book, Ezekiel. I found the book interesting as it told about some of Gods issues with how things were going and described some fascinating destroyer thing that was going to roam around. I found it interesting how God spoke directly to Ezekiel in the way he did and the description of the temple. 

It was good to get back to reading the Bible again, plenty of what I see on the web nowadays says to be reading the Book daily. I had gotten away from that for some reason, all I have to do is dedicate some portion of my day to reading the Book. 

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Goals

I found some time to do some reading yesterday. The book is about how choosing your words will change your life. The book is written by Joyce Meyer and has a very strong Biblical influence. Among the many things I gleaned from my efforts lately was that I need to have a set of goals. I know that I have already talked about being a wish maker on my blog. However, I need to set some goals and am taking the time to do so.

#1. Improve relations with my wife.
While I never want to plateau my relationship with my wife, I should always be learning, doing, and listening. Amanda has her own background and challenges and it is my job as a husband to be aware of her needs and wants.

#2. Commit to some type of career.
We have already decided that Amanda is going to be a stay at home mom and wife. Along with that we want to home school Sophia or very carefully pick a school for her. I want to be a teacher which gives us the chance to move somewhere and start new. I also have the USPS possibility if something opens up. Farming can happen, but to many things about farming are against Amanda and my relationship.

#3. Set up my property for some horsing.
Equestrian type of things were a big deal to Amanda and she wants that for Sophia also. A pony has been requested within a certain number of years, and more horses will follow after that.

#4. Read something other than my phone or laptop everyday.
All the marriage and other helpful websites I go to say that I should be reading the Bible or are strongly influenced by the Bible. I still haven't finished my Bible ambition from a couple of years ago so I need to work towards that goal. The more time I take to read intelligent things, the better off I should be.

#5. Work off our debts.
Currently we have five debts, including the house. the smallest debt is my truck, then her student loan, my student loan, her car and our house. The truck will be sold off once and if we move to a new job and location. The house can be sold for some profit which can be put towards the purchase of another residence. If things work out well, I can have all my money from farming in the bank to pay off our debts and be pulling in an income that we learn to live from.

#6. Find the balance between home and work life.
Being a farmer I have a unique situation that many other husbands don't have. Some days I have to work until dark, some days it rains and I get to stay in with my wife. I get to eat nearly all my meals with my family and have slow times where we can get away for a couple of days. Sometimes I don't get to quit or leave at a certain time, some days I have to be around for things to all go well. This uncertainty doesn't sit well with my spouse, so I must find other consistent predicable work.

#7. Take everything more seriously.
I have responsibilities now that I didn't have as few as four years ago. The things I do take the time for or involve myself in need to be done with a concerted effort. That is the best way to care for my family that I have started.

#8. Beard
The Amish grow beards to show their commitment to their wives and family. Those folks on Duck Dynasty have beards for likely the same reason. I am going to give my face some time to see what I got.

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Our home, Her birthday

Today is my wife's birthday and as such I thought I would describe improvements she has made to our house. The latest detail she has headed was painting the big rooms downstairs. I moved into the place and it had a fairly unremarkable paint of coat everywhere. Now the dining room is a bright warm yellow, with a set of shelves holding some flowers and other niceties. She also recently found an older style kitchen hutch to paint up and start holding and storing things in.  Storage space has always been an issue, even though we have a nice food pantry. Amanda is also going to paint the dining table we have to match the hutch. I also should mention the four chairs she bought and painted to go with our new decor. She wasn't able to get quite the color she wanted, but they turned out pretty good after a coat of paint and will be even better once we get some pads to sit on while dining with them.

The living room has turned out just as great. She picked out a darker grey than what she wanted, but with an extra lamp the room turned out quite nice. The china cabinet was moved to the dining room while both bookcases are now in the office. We now have a rug downstairs also helps bring some good color to the room.

We were talking the other day and thinking about how rundown our home was when I first had my chance at it. Dingy old floor, dingy old wall, second or third hand furniture. Now everything is much nicer and presentable. Makes me really appreciate the woman I have and the job she is doing as a stay at home mom and wife. Everything about me is better because she is in my life.

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Socially stupid

I've made another mistake at the expense of my relationship. Last week my mother and me sat down and attempted to hash things out concerning this situation we have gotten ourselves in. She had written a letter saying that she wanted to mend things so that we could all have the relationship we wanted. We talked for an hour and then I went home and talked to Amanda about how things went.

I called my mother and let her know that we were in favor of the letter. She acted as if she wanted that to. I let her know that all she had to do was apologize for what she said about my wife last winter. She said she would send my wife a text and be able to do that. More than a week has gone by since then without any word to Amanda.

I attempted some form of a dialogue with my mom, mainly just friendly chatter about a TV show we both like. I knew this was going to be the extent of any relationship we had. It wasn't going to be any thing else, and she certainly wasn't going to be hearing anything about either my wife or daughter until she made her letter true.

We finally talked some more last night. My mother did apologize for saying those things about my wife, and we had a good dialogue. Before she finally apologized was where the real information was. She realized after talking and hashing things out what I was capable of. She had decided to just cut me out of her life to the extent that I was willing to go. Dad encouraged her to do so after he heard some of what we were saying to each other at the table. I'm not sure if she has changed her mind or not, but I did really convey that all I really needed was for her to apologize to my wife.

This has put me into a very difficult situation. My wife thinks I abandoned her, my mom probably thinks the same, and I don't want either one to think that is true. Especially my wife, I've learned so much from her about what type of person I have been and what type of person I need to be for my wife. I knew that I was never going to be on great terms with my mother. She keeps thinking that I must have had some bad childhood based on how I am treating her now. The fact of the matter is that  how she is treating me as an adult is the real problem. Maybe she gets to treat other relationships in her sphere the way she wants, but my relationship is going to be different.

A lot of this comes down to my social skills. I don't have friends and never really had a large group of friends. The most social I ever was, was when I wasn't sober. It was easy to be social when alcohol was just a cover to be able to be around other people and chat. I'm glad I am sober now, but I don't have the time to commit to friends. My wife and daughter need me to be the man they need. I don't have or know the proper social etiquette to actively process what other people are saying and thinking about me. I don't realize when people are giving me a compliment, or saying I am lying about something. All I can do is commit more and more to my wife and devote myself to her. Thats all I want to do and be seen as in her eyes.

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the easy way

My way of life and attitude towards other people has been called into question. Previously I have been taking the easy way out and letting people do and say what they think appropriate towards me. That had even occurred when folks talked about my marriage or wife. Easy was letting other folks talk away and be indifferent to what was said. Currently I need to be prepared to stop and defend against what is said to me. As I live now isn't sustainable.

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Fighting

I have really been doing about the worst possible thing lately. It all comes down to how I approach or manage conflict. I want to sit down and be able to say what has happened and what needs to be done differently going ahead. What happened in the past can't be changed, but shouldn't be ignored. I can only change my behavior going forward.

I have been treating my wife in a way that she did not care to be treated. It certainly was inappropriate, but I got away with as much as I could. About a week ago she told me that some things shouldn't be happening, and I put the brakes on those behaviors. After some more time, she told me more detailed things of what I have done and why they were inappropriate. When I got home and tried to talk about the ideas, she told me the baby wasn't asleep yet and then went to bed a few minutes later, during which we sat in silence. All I can really think to say after her detailed message, was that I was wrong and that I don't want to do those things and make her feel that way in the future. She wasn't wrong in her views, but I made things worse by letting it be put off.

She took my delayed reaction as me not caring. I don't care in the same exact way as she does, but it is caring. I feel like Doctor Manhattan from watchmen sometimes. I don't say or do the right things from everyone else's perspective, but my face must be full of turmoil. All my wife sees is a blank stare. Since I put things off, for even the smallest amount of time, she takes it as not caring.

I agreed to a set of conditions today, by saying as you wish. I am probably violating those conditions by blogging here in this manner, but I don't want what I've created and talking out-loud creates more recoil.

Back to the fighting subject, I have been accused of having a bad sense of humor. On occasion we have been watching some type of drama or serious scene. Characters will fight and argue and say outrageous things to each other and I will laugh. I laugh because I can't see myself being so extreme. It is funny to me that someone would actually want to slap a person. Slapping and violence and so forth are so far out of my mind that I nearly do a double take and laugh when those things are seen. They get so worked up over something that should be able to be worked out peacefully in an agreeable manner. Forcing your way or will upon others with violence is not the way to earn the type of behavior that is desired. Shouting only makes me think the other person has to win and the more I push back the more aggressive they will be. I don't want to be a cause to that type of behavior so I back off let the other person win. They may win for the moment, but for me a victory is reaching a conclusion in a peaceful manner. This is what really sets my wife off. She will think of something that is important, but wants things done on her terms. She learned from the men in her family that the louder and more you say, the better off you are. She has talked to me about how her dad used to be, and how her brother was to her. I don't want anybody ever to escalate to that. I laugh things off, which makes my wife just as upset.

With all that being said, the worst thing I did today was acknowledge that I was on a sort of plan. We are fans of the Dr. Laura show and take time to listen to and read her material. On numerous occasions she has verbalized that you can make a bad choice, but have to stick things out for the sake of a child. She has told women that their man will probably leave them after the children are grown. She has said that unless you want your children to see a parade of bimbos or the male version of a bimbo, stay with your spouse until the children are of age. I have been told that the other party in my marriage is done and that I can expect that, I was told that sometime in the last two months I think. I realized that was not an ideal situation. I didn't take vows and put myself out to the world as loving someone so that I could only have a limited time of marriage. I wanted it to be forever. She seemed to cool off on that idea within the past two months, but the idea must be back in her head. I know that I don't want my daughter feeling abandoned by me, so I have to do the best I can for the next 17 years and pray that my wife always thinks that I have the correct interests in mind. I want to do more than smile and be pleasant, I want my wife to love and desire me as much as I do her.

The last time we got to a similar spot such as what we are in now, we did eventually work our way out of it. I made enough changes to my behavior that she felt comfortable with me, enough to be a better married family.  This time feels a little different, but as long as I agree to what she asked, things won't change. I won't be able to change just by talking about what I should do different. I have to demonstrate and act out the change my wife wants and needs. If I don't instill in her the confidence she expects from me, things will be as they were today.

The only exception to this is that I do still have the freedom to interact and be with my 13 month old daughter. She hasn't gotten so frustrated with me that the time I have at home with my child is abbreviated by her actions. Sometimes it is truncated by my actions and decisions, but when I am home I get the play time and follow the routine. I love getting to eat with, bathe and then read to my daughter in the late evenings. Its one of the most fatherly things I can do.

I have also watched a youtube video that was left on my screen. I thought the song described both of us. At the very least the song and lyrics demonstrated what I want to be seen as, by my wife and family and community.

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25

As of today I have been a married man for 25 months. As I am typing this, my laptop battery is at 25%. My youngest brother turned 25 today and will be having survivorship guilt in about three months, near when my other brother would have had his birthday. (Edit-my deceased brother was 26 years, 3 months and 22 days. His birthday will be close to that amount of time for my living brother.)

It would seem that in the past I have been saying things to Amanda that she did not care for her husband to say to her. She has told me to quit saying and acting in this certain way. Some things I quit more easily, some things have been more recent, but she has decided that I need to quit all things right away. I have a pretty good idea of how it makes her feel, especially as of lately, so I know what and why I need to quit. She may not have liked what I have done in the past, I know that what I can do in the future is going to be better.

I have also been accused of preferring my own company at times. Some behaviors indicate this, but that is not the case. When Amanda told me that she wanted to be married and have a kid within the next year, I knew I wanted that to. I knew that I didn't want to sit around and play video games alone wasn't what I wanted. I knew that I wasn't on dating sites so that I could continue being alone. I knew that coming home to an empty house wasn't what I wanted. I knew that idling away the hours on my laptop wasn't what I wanted. I wasn't sure if farming was what I wanted with my life or not. Nowadays, none of those things are what I do. I get to do as much as I can manage with a wife and child. Occasionally I find things to do that end up being on my own. That doesn't mean I want to be doing them on my own. I want the company of my wife and Sophia, when Sophia's baby schedule allows. Amanda telling me her goals made me realize that I wanted those things also.

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911

Last thursday I had to call 9-1-1. My grandpas cousin hung himself in the driveway of our barn. He had been suffering through parkinsons, depression, and anxiety. His wife had said that she couldn't live this way anymore with him, and he made up his mind to go through with taking his life. I was the first one to find him, since I was looking for him.

Some people seem to feel sorry for me, but I am more worried about the wife. She is the one that lost someone she has lived the majority of her life with. She lost the one she took vows to. I just wandered my way into a morbid sight.

Things have been going pretty well with Amanda and me. I am able to find more time to do the things I say I can do. We have been able to spend all kinds of time together and do things as a family. We went to a wedding in columbus last weekend and caught up with a friend of mine and his wife and small child. The six of us had a good time when we stopped by. I'm looking forward to doing more of those type of things with my two ladies, hopefully farming goes smoothly this year and we have all the time we need to spend time together.

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My family

After being out for any part of the day, I love being home and spending time with my two ladies. Most days I get home and try to do as much with Sophia as I can. Amanda has said before that some days she needs me to come home and give her that break or relief from a baby's day. Usually this comes at a cost of some of the things that I should be doing from my honey-do list. I don't want to come home and immediately spend most of my time outside working on other things. Or inside doing things that a baby shouldn't be around. With a concentrated effort I was able to get several things done last week, but there is always more to be done in an older farm house. Amanda likes when I can get those fixes done, but I like to be able to catch up and spend as much time as possible with my wife and daughter just being and interacting without anything else to accomplish.

Amanda and me got to sit down on the couch alone last night and watch a whole movie, uninterupted. It would have been much nicer if the movie version of the host was any amount as good as the book version, but we got to sit down and do something we used to do. It was very nice.

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Two years

Its been two years since I said I do to my lovely wife. Things haven't always been smooth sailing, but any thing worth having is worth the effort that comes with it. I hope saying do is the best decision I ever make in my life. It has been so far.

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Being regular

I need to commit to blogging more. I used to blog everyday and at some point Amanda confessed to me that she loved how I write and use my words. She liked reading my blog, I think, because I was better able to from my thoughts and real opinions here than when speaking to her. She has asked me in the past why I don't blog as much. I told her that it was because I had her to talk to now, as compared to the lonely go at it on my own version. Now I can see that this is also a healthy way to express my thoughts and what is going on around me. I certainly can talk to my wife about all that I want, but I enjoy this medium also.

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4 ways

From my recent decision to read more I found a better clarification of what love is and should be. Here are the ways that I have awe, admiration, respect, and appreciation for Amanda, each with the three phases of our lives so far. 

AWE

pre engagement- how much in control she was of what she knew about herself

married-how wonderful a woman I had found and committed to

post baby-how much she cares for and works for our baby. 

ADMIRATION

pre engagement-how much you had accomplished on your own

married-how committed you were to me and our marriage

post baby-how inspiring and willing you are to find new ideas and keep with other new moms

RESPECT

pre engagement-she had made a difficult decision in her life about who she was with and what she wanted

married-she knew what she wanted out of our marriage and we went and still go for it

post baby-how much importance and well thought out plans she has came up with for our daughter

APPRECIATION

pre engagement- that she was so happy to have meet me and get me out of my lonely man routine

married-all the things she wanted us to do in our marriage

post baby-how hard she has worked and continues to work for our baby, putting herself second by still breastfeeding. 

I hope that none of these sound similar or have overlap. The venn diagram of my thoughts here would certainly not be four separate circles. I also read from this author that love can be a decision you make with all the feeling coming later. I always knew that did and could and would love my wife. I'm happy that I found someone so easy and willing to let me love them. 

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Boasting

I remember once boasting on my blog that I could not fail here because of my family. I thought that I would always have a financial security blanket as long as I was here. I thought that the most important thing to Amanda was being financially secure. One of the most important things as it turns out, not the most important thing. As it turns out, I can be financially secure here, and very poor in other areas. I don't have to learn to be a hard worker and someone who strives to do something for others. Doing work that is not easy is not the same as making the effort to be considered a hard worker. I can be lazy while doing work that others would never dream of doing. Being here is costing me my relationship. Its way to easy to set back and blame what my bosses want to do on my inability to keep my word. Amanda says I can keep my word if I really wanted to. Leaving my work in the middle of the day for an unknown amount of time is a possibility.

When I get another job and move from here things will be different. I can lose my job. I have to do the work to impress my bosses. I have to keep a schedule and promises I make for my family. I have to budget and watch what I spend. I have to do many things differently from what I get away with as a self employed farmer/part time mail carrier.

My boast was harmless at the time, but now I realize how silly it was to boast about one thing that wasn't nearly as important as all the other things I didn't have. Amanda keeps saying that I would be perfectly happy in a place by myself. I look back at the things I was doing when I was going at it alone and that I wasn't really happy. My laptop wasn't a good replacement for a person. I could talk to people using my laptop, which was a way of building and making relationships. All the sites, innocent or not, were not a replacement for having a connection with a real person. The alcohol, video games, and sports were just distractions to what I should really be doing. There are several things I just described on that list that I don't do now. Some were recently quit, some have happened over the course of my marriage. I can't be doing things that make my wife feel I don't care about what she does.

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Shoveling Snow

Last night I was reading and the author brought up something that I am doing to some extent. The author said that when men feel they are in a bad spot with their wives, they shovel snow. This means they fix or do things to make their wives day easier. I can think of several things around the house that I have done the past few days, and I can think of several things that I try to do to help Amanda with the daily routine of life. She likely notices them and does like that I do what I do. However, when something gets put off she has a real issue. She feels that when I put something off or delay something in some manner it reflects my attitude towards her. I wasn't able to capitalize on that info when she had conveyed that to me in the past. I never think poorly of her, I would simply forget most of the time. Or I would think it more important to be doing something else. The biggest change I decided to make was several months ago. I would wake up early to pay bills, feed the dogs and cats, and try to do other things around the house that I could. This worked out well because I could have things done before she woke up and have some time on my own to pursue some of my interests. Then at seven or so, I would go upstairs and wake Sophie up and get her changed and ready for the morning. It worked out well except that I wasn't doing enough of the household maintenance. Some mornings I would decide that I was just going to goof off on the computer until seven. This did mean that I was looking at possible jobs, most of the time was spent doing things that didn't matter.

The internet things that didn't matter have really hurt my relationship. Some time ago I came to a conclusion about porn and haven't been back to that activity. We installed the covenant eyes software and after an initial hiccup from a message board, things have been good. Recently I decided that I didn't need all those other sites either and cut those out up to 99%. The 1% might be when I am on my laptop and decide to browse more. I only have the reds page and helpful marriage/parenting things bookmarked on my phone now. For a little while I was still going to a pickup truck forum, but I was beginning to have some doubts about that. I realized that I was treating my truck like the guy and his boat in the movie Fireproof. So I am not going to that forum again until it is time to attempt to sell my truck. I knew that if I got out of farming we wouldn't need such a big truck, but I was always able to say or think we should have it in the case we get into the horsing business for Sophie. The truck issue really came to a head when Amanda realized that I was spending time on their instead of attempting to resolve what was happening with our relationship. Its one of the small things I am doing to show that I care about more than myself.

I told Amanda that I know what I can change and know what I can make an to do. I can tell her things all day long, but it comes down to what I physically do to show her that I can and am different than what she has seen in the past. In her eyes I haven't followed my vows to her to a T. I know what I have done in the past and what I would like to do in the future.

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Husband Revolution

I have come to understand I have my failings as a husband and a person. I don't care enough to stop someone from doing what they want to do. I let things happen because in my mind I shouldn't be stopping people from doing what they set out to do. From Amandas point of view, which is very likely correct, I don't care what happens to the person I took vows to. I am so egocentric that my wife and childs presence or absence has little influence on my state of mind. For whatever reason I have learned to let myself be independent of other people. I don't know if something happened when I was young, or if I was always going to be this way. 

Regardless, I can't be that way anymore. I do care for my wife and child, our marriage and the family we have started. I don't show it in the way that Amanda thinks is appropriate, but I do realize how important they are and the conscious decisions we made to get to this point. I have made several small changes to my life already, some happened before we reached this tipping point. I know that I can do more, and more bigger changes. I am going to have to get professional help, but I can do the things that need to be done for my wife and child. 

I have been following on FB a website called husband revolution. I would read the things they posted before and not give them much thought. As of lately, I have been going to their main page and reading the articles they have been posting. I find that most of what they talk about I wasn't doing in the past. It shows me more of what I can be doing as a husband. They also post little thoughts and such on the FB feed, like everything else. I can read and see all that I want, but I have to make the conscious change to better my relationships. I also have been taking the time to listen to the Dr. Laura show, which I always enjoyed doing. I don't think she is more important now, I just have been near my radio during her time frame the past couple of days. Amanda likes or fashions some of her behaviors after what Dr. Laura writes and says. I do or at least keep in mind some of her ideals also now. 

Amanda has gotten so frustrated with me that I think she has resorted to becoming what may be a stepford wive until she sees a better option for her and Sophie. She feels she has nowhere to go and nothing behind her because of the choices we made in our marriage. She doesn't have a car in her name anymore because we traded it in and put the escape in my name. She doesn't have a job anymore because we decided that she should be home to raise our child. She can't go to her parents because she and her sister hate each other. She can't go to her sister-in-laws because she hates her brother too much. She hates me now also, but is here still. 

I know that I can do what I need to do for my wife and marriage. I know how I feel inside and need to be able to show it and act upon it. I'm not happy knowing that I am causing someone I took vows to so much pain and anguish. 

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psychopath

I once heard psychopath defined somewhere and wondered if it applied to me. The word was defined as someone who can do what they want without the concern for others.  In some ways this does apply to me. Other peoples thoughts and actions are independent of what I need for me to be happy. Amanda called me out on this yesterday and I had to be honest. I know that I can be happy and I know that I can love. I can't bring myself to have many other emotions though. I didn't cry when my brother died. I don't worry if other people will be upset. I try to live my life looking at the positive and not worrying about the negative. Like I talked to Amanda abou the other day, I don't make someone mad, they make them mad. Their expectations are what cause them to get emotional. Amanda spent part of the day yesterday telling me all the things she now wants and what I've done wrong. All I could do was sit in silence, like a crazy stalker.

Amanda told me yesterday that she was done. This came as a result of at least one deficiency I have, me being a mommas boy according to her definition. Her previous husband was another mommas boy, and I thought I was staying clear of his behavior. For me it has come down to not defending my wife and our marriage. Since last november there has been a conflict with my mom. I have been unable to resolve it. Worse than being unable to resolve it, I let my mom act towards me and my wife in an unbecoming way. She is not on a constant slander against us, but says things that shouldn't be said. My inability resolve all this has turned me into an un-trustable liar in the eyes of my wife.

In the past we had talked about moving when things got bad. When I confessed I was looking at porn, we talked about it. Before we left for our Florida vacation, we talked about it. On the way home from Florida, we talked more about it. She always seemed to calm down about the reason for wanting to move after some time, but I was looking for work. In previous occasions, we always had the context of me getting a teaching job. A career in education takes some time, especially when you need licenses for other states and more professional testing. Just this past week we talked about getting work as a full time post office employee, which I was all for. If we had talked about this earlier, it might have happened sooner. So now I need to update my lazily filled out USPS profile and see where I can go with that.

As far as Amanda being done, I don't want her to be done. I'm happy being married and getting to be a father to my daughter. A change of scenery will put some distance between our problems, but that is dependent on us staying together. If she thinks us being apart in some capacity is what will make her happy, then thats what will happen. Whatever she decides, I will go with. Her happiness is more important than my happiness. I can be sad if my disposition makes someone else feel better. Whatever being done results in, I know that I can't stay here. I don't want to be a debt ridden farmer because I have to take out hundreds of thousands of dollars in loans to buy land. I don't want to promise or pay high rent fees for ground so I can try to make some money. I want to have a salaried job with benefits and a consistent schedule.

times typed "oftern"-0

Farm Kings

We recent;y decided that over the air broadcast TV was not up to the viewing standards we aspired to. As such we are now dish network customers and have access to all the programming the rest of the paying world has. One of the programs we watched when we heard about was a program called Farm Kings. It is about some family that has nine kids that mostly all want to be part of agriculture. In an effort to involve everyone, all kinds of diversification efforts are taking place. This type of agriculture has me scared. I don't want to have to work and think and stress myself so thin to try and have some standard of living for my family. The family on the show has two stores, some farmers market CSA program I can't figure out, and ill defined roles for all the participants. This is what will come to my families farm eventually. I have decided to pursue a teaching career. I can't or don't want to take all the risk associated with farming much longer. I am not going to be able to get enough land to have a career. Some farmland recently sold for 6 grand per acre around here. My landlord for what I am farming is happy to be working with me, but at some point she or her family is going to want more money or to sell. When I take all my options into account, trying for one good last year and getting out is what I want to do. One good last year is enough to pay off all my debts and start a teaching career wherever my teaching certificates land me. A teachers salary is enough if I don't have any auto loans, student loans, or mortgages.

In other exciting news,  baby Sophia is nearly 10 months old now. She crawls, babbles, explores and does all the things a good healthy baby does. She isn't walking yet, but will soon be all over the place in a upright walking manner. She will sleep through the nights and will usually get a nap or two during the day.

times typed "oftern"-0