Gone Girl

Today we went and seen a movie in the theaters. Todays feature was Gone Girl, which was based on a book. I really liked the movie, since it told a really great story and was interesting. Its about a guy whose wife takes off on him, sets him up to make it look like a suspicious murder, and then she decides to come back under a false pretense. The husband knows she got away with something and then at the end she is pregnant and he takes responsibility saying "I have a responsibility, I don't get to decide (to leave her)"

Amanda and me have been having some serious issues. I have been found to have no emotions, or ability to convey emotions. It is true that I have never been real emotional, always deferring to the polite or not bothering me stance. From here out, I have to be more straightforward and verbal about how things are affecting me. This isn't going to be easy, I have to decide always being polite to my wife or saying so much that she feels that I treat her better than everyone else and she gets to know the me that no one else does.

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#6

It occurred to me yesterday that I was not very loving towards my wife in my previous post. I wanted to take some time to go over all the wonderful things she does and reasons I am in love with her. Amanda is my best friend, she is the person I get to talk to everything about. She is a great and enthusiastic cook, always looking for new recipes for our family to try. She has great compassion for the animal world, she doesn't like seeing anything mistreated. She has taken on such a tremendous job in being a stay at home mother to Sophia and a stay at home wife to me. She does things to "be the wife I deserve." She loves keeping the house clean for me and Sophia. She has created a beautiful yard and patio area for our home property. She takes time to talk with me about the farming and how things are going over there. She wants me to work on what I spent my college time achieving, being a teacher. She tolerates my OSU fandom. She goes to church with me and has an interest in my religion. She worries about our finances and tries to plan to save and spend appropriately. All this and more are reasons that I love my wife.

All of these are good reasons to love my wife, but the best reason I love my wife is because I took vows to do so. I made a commitment to stay with her and cherish her and that is what I intend to do.

Yesterday she wore around a shirt that had the number 6 on the back.

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Respect

A couple of days ago Amanda confided in me that she doesn't respect me in a way that allows her to fully love me that way she did before we were married. She respects that I can provide for our family, she respects that I work hard enough to be financially secure. She doesn't respect that I don't get angry and stick up for my family in every conversation that I have. 

I took my vows for better or for worse. I didn't set out or believe they should be conditional. I was going to give my wife the best that I could and what she deserved, no matter her treatment of me. Amanda doesn't treat me this way, and honestly I can't blame her. It is her own right to look at what her husband is accomplishing and decide that needs to distance herself. Amanda gets to decide how she wants to live her life and treat those people around her. The people who make a commitment to her. 

She has listened to what goes on in my life and decided that I don't treat her with the accord that a wife deserves. Much if not all of this is how my family goes about treating her. She has said if not pleaded before that she doesn't care what others think of her as long as her husband thinks well of her. I am always going to be the best I can be to her. However she spends much of her time and energy worrying about others, much more than I ever thought or believed to be true. So much so that the way I allow other people to interact with me makes her feel terrible. 

In my mind it only matters what I say to my wife that should go into our decision making as a couple. Not what I let others say. What others say isn't part how we make our decisions. What others do in regards to me and my wife doesn't matter unless we validate it. If I or Amanda ignore something it should mean to someone else that we aren't regarding their opinion. 

This all really seems to accumulate seasonally as the farming season goes on. On more than one occasion I was willing to give all this up and move away from all the farming and be a teacher. Amanda had me read an article once about a family that choose their dad over being more financially secure. Whenever I have to be away for busy farming times, it feels like I am choosing something other than my family. It doesn't matter that I am doing the things that allow us to live the lifestyle we have settled into. We have had opportunity to consider moving south to take a teaching jobs, but we decided that pursuing that was not a good idea. So now we wait for a job nearby and work in the agriculture industry. 

This probably all seems like a rambling mess and I can't argue it is not. However it is now 7 am and I have to start the responsibilities of my wife and child. 

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Coward

Things are terrible now. I'm not the kind of leader or person to call names and be unpleasant to others. Amanda, on the other hand is. It's not without reason as my behavior is what is causing it.

Im not the leader she needs me to be. Amanda has made no secret that she wants me to be a leader and what she expects from her leader of a husband. I act in a way that is cowardly, in a way that excludes me from taking the action she needs. She needs me to confront her and talk her ear off about everything and anything. Now that I have waited as long as I have to make an effort to talk to her, she is even more upset about us. When I try to talk to her, she has other ideas for me. When I don't talk to her, she thinks less of me.

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Wrong

I have been told on several occasions by my wife that I act as if nothing is wrong when something is wrong. I don't act this way when I decide something is wrong. I act this way when Amanda tells me something is wrong and decides she isn't talking about it for a while. I know that I can't force her to do something until she is ready to do it. I'm not the kind of person to force myself on another person and she isn't the type of person to let someone force something on her anymore. I need to exercise patience until she is willing to address any of the smallest details with me. I am currently unable to force a conversation, no matter how important, to the other person until I have the smallest idea the conversation can be two ways. 

This is part of my leadership issue that Amanda needs me to overcome. I have to be able to confront items and discuss them in a timely manner. I have to talk about other issues in an effective way with her. I have acted as a dictator in some instances. Our marriage is not good when either of us acts inappropriately. 

I am sorry for things I have done. Once I realize how they affect Amanda I am sorry. Usually the moment I realize how upset she is is right after she says she's not talking about it anymore. Sometime afterwards she tells me that being sorry doesn't cut it and I believe her and let her give me the silent treatment while I wait out the moment she seems willing to talk things over more. 

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Selfish

I have been accused of being selfish, which means that I am selfish in all my decisions. For starting purposes, I want to define selfish per the merriam webster definition.

-having or showing concern for only yourself and not for the needs or feeling of other people.

The tipping point for all this was the decision to go and work for my relative building pole barns for some amount of time. Ideally I was going to work for a couple of weeks, save enough money for our building we have been planning for a year, and then be done. I know we talked about it because I remember two things specifically. First, I remember Amanda saying she didn't want me up on top of the building where I could fall off. Second, I remember Amanda saying that I should not fast on Ash wednesday this year because it would not be ideal.

Nonetheless, I omitted the duration of the work and it would seem the hours I was going to be away also. I needed to spend more time talking to Amanda about the idea and making sure she knew all the details that I knew. I didn't. Now Amanda has set upon the idea that I was not being a leader and being a dictator. A dictator who selfishly decided on my own what to do, regardless of how it affected the rest of my household. I knew that I talked to her about it some, in her mind it wasn't enough because after the fourth day of getting home late, she lost it at dinner. Lost it in the I'm not talking to you anymore lost it. I deserved it, I didn't talk to her enough about the whole situation before I left the first morning.

In my mind, I trust her with everything she comes to me with. I say yes because I trust that she only does what is best for our family. I am not afforded the same trust from her for many reasons. I thought I had a level of understanding that she could trust me to do things that are good for us when I leave the house. I have now learned that I need to talk to her in as much detail as I can. I have to do this to afford her even the smallest amount of reassurance that she knows what is going on.

So back to my starting point, Am I selfish? I think that I am generous towards my wife and daughter. In this instance have I only acted in concern for myself? Did I not consider the needs and feeling of other people. It doesn't matter what I think, it only matter what my wife perceives. One day my daughter will perceive these types of things also. I have to be mindful and clear with what I set out to do. The best thing I can do now is accept responsibility and apologize. I don't want either of us to continue on the same behavior that we are acting out now. We should be better than that to each other.

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The most important thing

One of the clearest things in my mind from my early relationship with my wife was that being financially secure was the most important thing to her. Since then many other things have been said to be very important if not the most important also. The financial security one is the one that sticks in my mind the most. Yes, after my wife's birthday I learned feeling important by having a presence is very important to her. I learned that we need a day for ourselves, sundays, to spend together as a family and husband and wife. Nonetheless, it has always stuck in my mind that financial security is the most important. 

I took on another part time job that is full time hours until I reach a quota that I feel comfortable with. We have committed to a building that I don't have a real idea what the cost is. Yes, some of the materials and most of the labor is going to be free or cheap. Some cost is going to come up and I can't let that cost put us in a bad situation financially. We just spent 25k getting our tax bill clear. I can look at our account statements and feel that we should have what we need for our monthly bills and living expenses. Should is critical as nothing is certain in our future. Last year we got down to our last 300 dollars before any crop money started coming in. This year we have a better plan, but cant be sure of anything until october comes around. 

I know that talking about finances is always hard with Amanda. The slightest mention or talk about money freezes her up. She has left the house for hours at a time when she thought we had money issues. I can reassure her all that I can, but she will always have a fear in the back of her mind. 

It was really nice that I was able to spend nearly the whole last two months at home with Amanda. However my work is coming back to being necessary and with it some days that require long hours. I don't like those long hours and days very much, but it is the life we have chosen. We will always have our sundays and some periods that are quite a lull. Some times are busy, some are not. Its going to be that way until I get to make the decisions and efforts regarding our farms planting and harvest seasons. My parents are willing to put up with that relationship, but we are different in my marriage. 

times typed "oftern"-0