Issues

Amanda made a list of issues for us to talk about the other day. We made it about an half hour or more before she didn't like what was going on and things really went downhill. Essentially it came down to us doing more to better be connected in our marriage. I ended up getting some of my thoughts out and it all sounded like a big mess, she was dumbfounded. Dumbfounded by what I was saying and how I was saying it. I was sounding particularly dumb. When I have to think quickly in a novel situation, I don't do well. I am more equipped to get my thoughts out in this format or after some time to reflect on my own. That is why I try to blog more lately, Amanda has always complimented me on my writing and what I get out on this blog.

I ended up saying somethings that I shouldn't have said and we are currently stuck in another reactive anger cycle. I am struggling to find the time and place to bring things up. She is stonewalling me and staying upstairs away from me. Things would be better for us if I was doing some of the things on her issues list. Most if not all of our communicating is  happening electronically. I certainly don't prefer this but it seems to be the only open venue for communication at the moment.

As far as the issues, the second thing after the connection effort is me being a leader. I do things that stick out in my mind as leadership, but Amanda needs more. She needs me to talk about the projects and things that need done in the house. She needs me to confront our issues nearly right away. Amanda has been doing things that stick out as leadership to her and doesn't want that role in this marriage. I need to find the confidence that when I take those steps as a leader, they will be received. Amanda acknowledged that there will be some power struggle as this dynamic part of our relationship furthers.

times typed "oftern"-0