Fighting

I have really been doing about the worst possible thing lately. It all comes down to how I approach or manage conflict. I want to sit down and be able to say what has happened and what needs to be done differently going ahead. What happened in the past can't be changed, but shouldn't be ignored. I can only change my behavior going forward.

I have been treating my wife in a way that she did not care to be treated. It certainly was inappropriate, but I got away with as much as I could. About a week ago she told me that some things shouldn't be happening, and I put the brakes on those behaviors. After some more time, she told me more detailed things of what I have done and why they were inappropriate. When I got home and tried to talk about the ideas, she told me the baby wasn't asleep yet and then went to bed a few minutes later, during which we sat in silence. All I can really think to say after her detailed message, was that I was wrong and that I don't want to do those things and make her feel that way in the future. She wasn't wrong in her views, but I made things worse by letting it be put off.

She took my delayed reaction as me not caring. I don't care in the same exact way as she does, but it is caring. I feel like Doctor Manhattan from watchmen sometimes. I don't say or do the right things from everyone else's perspective, but my face must be full of turmoil. All my wife sees is a blank stare. Since I put things off, for even the smallest amount of time, she takes it as not caring.

I agreed to a set of conditions today, by saying as you wish. I am probably violating those conditions by blogging here in this manner, but I don't want what I've created and talking out-loud creates more recoil.

Back to the fighting subject, I have been accused of having a bad sense of humor. On occasion we have been watching some type of drama or serious scene. Characters will fight and argue and say outrageous things to each other and I will laugh. I laugh because I can't see myself being so extreme. It is funny to me that someone would actually want to slap a person. Slapping and violence and so forth are so far out of my mind that I nearly do a double take and laugh when those things are seen. They get so worked up over something that should be able to be worked out peacefully in an agreeable manner. Forcing your way or will upon others with violence is not the way to earn the type of behavior that is desired. Shouting only makes me think the other person has to win and the more I push back the more aggressive they will be. I don't want to be a cause to that type of behavior so I back off let the other person win. They may win for the moment, but for me a victory is reaching a conclusion in a peaceful manner. This is what really sets my wife off. She will think of something that is important, but wants things done on her terms. She learned from the men in her family that the louder and more you say, the better off you are. She has talked to me about how her dad used to be, and how her brother was to her. I don't want anybody ever to escalate to that. I laugh things off, which makes my wife just as upset.

With all that being said, the worst thing I did today was acknowledge that I was on a sort of plan. We are fans of the Dr. Laura show and take time to listen to and read her material. On numerous occasions she has verbalized that you can make a bad choice, but have to stick things out for the sake of a child. She has told women that their man will probably leave them after the children are grown. She has said that unless you want your children to see a parade of bimbos or the male version of a bimbo, stay with your spouse until the children are of age. I have been told that the other party in my marriage is done and that I can expect that, I was told that sometime in the last two months I think. I realized that was not an ideal situation. I didn't take vows and put myself out to the world as loving someone so that I could only have a limited time of marriage. I wanted it to be forever. She seemed to cool off on that idea within the past two months, but the idea must be back in her head. I know that I don't want my daughter feeling abandoned by me, so I have to do the best I can for the next 17 years and pray that my wife always thinks that I have the correct interests in mind. I want to do more than smile and be pleasant, I want my wife to love and desire me as much as I do her.

The last time we got to a similar spot such as what we are in now, we did eventually work our way out of it. I made enough changes to my behavior that she felt comfortable with me, enough to be a better married family.  This time feels a little different, but as long as I agree to what she asked, things won't change. I won't be able to change just by talking about what I should do different. I have to demonstrate and act out the change my wife wants and needs. If I don't instill in her the confidence she expects from me, things will be as they were today.

The only exception to this is that I do still have the freedom to interact and be with my 13 month old daughter. She hasn't gotten so frustrated with me that the time I have at home with my child is abbreviated by her actions. Sometimes it is truncated by my actions and decisions, but when I am home I get the play time and follow the routine. I love getting to eat with, bathe and then read to my daughter in the late evenings. Its one of the most fatherly things I can do.

I have also watched a youtube video that was left on my screen. I thought the song described both of us. At the very least the song and lyrics demonstrated what I want to be seen as, by my wife and family and community.

times typed "oftern"-0

25

As of today I have been a married man for 25 months. As I am typing this, my laptop battery is at 25%. My youngest brother turned 25 today and will be having survivorship guilt in about three months, near when my other brother would have had his birthday. (Edit-my deceased brother was 26 years, 3 months and 22 days. His birthday will be close to that amount of time for my living brother.)

It would seem that in the past I have been saying things to Amanda that she did not care for her husband to say to her. She has told me to quit saying and acting in this certain way. Some things I quit more easily, some things have been more recent, but she has decided that I need to quit all things right away. I have a pretty good idea of how it makes her feel, especially as of lately, so I know what and why I need to quit. She may not have liked what I have done in the past, I know that what I can do in the future is going to be better.

I have also been accused of preferring my own company at times. Some behaviors indicate this, but that is not the case. When Amanda told me that she wanted to be married and have a kid within the next year, I knew I wanted that to. I knew that I didn't want to sit around and play video games alone wasn't what I wanted. I knew that I wasn't on dating sites so that I could continue being alone. I knew that coming home to an empty house wasn't what I wanted. I knew that idling away the hours on my laptop wasn't what I wanted. I wasn't sure if farming was what I wanted with my life or not. Nowadays, none of those things are what I do. I get to do as much as I can manage with a wife and child. Occasionally I find things to do that end up being on my own. That doesn't mean I want to be doing them on my own. I want the company of my wife and Sophia, when Sophia's baby schedule allows. Amanda telling me her goals made me realize that I wanted those things also.

times typed "oftern"-0

911

Last thursday I had to call 9-1-1. My grandpas cousin hung himself in the driveway of our barn. He had been suffering through parkinsons, depression, and anxiety. His wife had said that she couldn't live this way anymore with him, and he made up his mind to go through with taking his life. I was the first one to find him, since I was looking for him.

Some people seem to feel sorry for me, but I am more worried about the wife. She is the one that lost someone she has lived the majority of her life with. She lost the one she took vows to. I just wandered my way into a morbid sight.

Things have been going pretty well with Amanda and me. I am able to find more time to do the things I say I can do. We have been able to spend all kinds of time together and do things as a family. We went to a wedding in columbus last weekend and caught up with a friend of mine and his wife and small child. The six of us had a good time when we stopped by. I'm looking forward to doing more of those type of things with my two ladies, hopefully farming goes smoothly this year and we have all the time we need to spend time together.

times typed "oftern"-0