Respect

A couple of days ago Amanda confided in me that she doesn't respect me in a way that allows her to fully love me that way she did before we were married. She respects that I can provide for our family, she respects that I work hard enough to be financially secure. She doesn't respect that I don't get angry and stick up for my family in every conversation that I have. 

I took my vows for better or for worse. I didn't set out or believe they should be conditional. I was going to give my wife the best that I could and what she deserved, no matter her treatment of me. Amanda doesn't treat me this way, and honestly I can't blame her. It is her own right to look at what her husband is accomplishing and decide that needs to distance herself. Amanda gets to decide how she wants to live her life and treat those people around her. The people who make a commitment to her. 

She has listened to what goes on in my life and decided that I don't treat her with the accord that a wife deserves. Much if not all of this is how my family goes about treating her. She has said if not pleaded before that she doesn't care what others think of her as long as her husband thinks well of her. I am always going to be the best I can be to her. However she spends much of her time and energy worrying about others, much more than I ever thought or believed to be true. So much so that the way I allow other people to interact with me makes her feel terrible. 

In my mind it only matters what I say to my wife that should go into our decision making as a couple. Not what I let others say. What others say isn't part how we make our decisions. What others do in regards to me and my wife doesn't matter unless we validate it. If I or Amanda ignore something it should mean to someone else that we aren't regarding their opinion. 

This all really seems to accumulate seasonally as the farming season goes on. On more than one occasion I was willing to give all this up and move away from all the farming and be a teacher. Amanda had me read an article once about a family that choose their dad over being more financially secure. Whenever I have to be away for busy farming times, it feels like I am choosing something other than my family. It doesn't matter that I am doing the things that allow us to live the lifestyle we have settled into. We have had opportunity to consider moving south to take a teaching jobs, but we decided that pursuing that was not a good idea. So now we wait for a job nearby and work in the agriculture industry. 

This probably all seems like a rambling mess and I can't argue it is not. However it is now 7 am and I have to start the responsibilities of my wife and child. 

times typed "oftern"-0