Boasting

I remember once boasting on my blog that I could not fail here because of my family. I thought that I would always have a financial security blanket as long as I was here. I thought that the most important thing to Amanda was being financially secure. One of the most important things as it turns out, not the most important thing. As it turns out, I can be financially secure here, and very poor in other areas. I don't have to learn to be a hard worker and someone who strives to do something for others. Doing work that is not easy is not the same as making the effort to be considered a hard worker. I can be lazy while doing work that others would never dream of doing. Being here is costing me my relationship. Its way to easy to set back and blame what my bosses want to do on my inability to keep my word. Amanda says I can keep my word if I really wanted to. Leaving my work in the middle of the day for an unknown amount of time is a possibility.

When I get another job and move from here things will be different. I can lose my job. I have to do the work to impress my bosses. I have to keep a schedule and promises I make for my family. I have to budget and watch what I spend. I have to do many things differently from what I get away with as a self employed farmer/part time mail carrier.

My boast was harmless at the time, but now I realize how silly it was to boast about one thing that wasn't nearly as important as all the other things I didn't have. Amanda keeps saying that I would be perfectly happy in a place by myself. I look back at the things I was doing when I was going at it alone and that I wasn't really happy. My laptop wasn't a good replacement for a person. I could talk to people using my laptop, which was a way of building and making relationships. All the sites, innocent or not, were not a replacement for having a connection with a real person. The alcohol, video games, and sports were just distractions to what I should really be doing. There are several things I just described on that list that I don't do now. Some were recently quit, some have happened over the course of my marriage. I can't be doing things that make my wife feel I don't care about what she does.

times typed "oftern"-0