Husband Revolution

I have come to understand I have my failings as a husband and a person. I don't care enough to stop someone from doing what they want to do. I let things happen because in my mind I shouldn't be stopping people from doing what they set out to do. From Amandas point of view, which is very likely correct, I don't care what happens to the person I took vows to. I am so egocentric that my wife and childs presence or absence has little influence on my state of mind. For whatever reason I have learned to let myself be independent of other people. I don't know if something happened when I was young, or if I was always going to be this way. 

Regardless, I can't be that way anymore. I do care for my wife and child, our marriage and the family we have started. I don't show it in the way that Amanda thinks is appropriate, but I do realize how important they are and the conscious decisions we made to get to this point. I have made several small changes to my life already, some happened before we reached this tipping point. I know that I can do more, and more bigger changes. I am going to have to get professional help, but I can do the things that need to be done for my wife and child. 

I have been following on FB a website called husband revolution. I would read the things they posted before and not give them much thought. As of lately, I have been going to their main page and reading the articles they have been posting. I find that most of what they talk about I wasn't doing in the past. It shows me more of what I can be doing as a husband. They also post little thoughts and such on the FB feed, like everything else. I can read and see all that I want, but I have to make the conscious change to better my relationships. I also have been taking the time to listen to the Dr. Laura show, which I always enjoyed doing. I don't think she is more important now, I just have been near my radio during her time frame the past couple of days. Amanda likes or fashions some of her behaviors after what Dr. Laura writes and says. I do or at least keep in mind some of her ideals also now. 

Amanda has gotten so frustrated with me that I think she has resorted to becoming what may be a stepford wive until she sees a better option for her and Sophie. She feels she has nowhere to go and nothing behind her because of the choices we made in our marriage. She doesn't have a car in her name anymore because we traded it in and put the escape in my name. She doesn't have a job anymore because we decided that she should be home to raise our child. She can't go to her parents because she and her sister hate each other. She can't go to her sister-in-laws because she hates her brother too much. She hates me now also, but is here still. 

I know that I can do what I need to do for my wife and marriage. I know how I feel inside and need to be able to show it and act upon it. I'm not happy knowing that I am causing someone I took vows to so much pain and anguish. 

times typed "oftern"-0